I used to think I knew exactly what I wanted in a relationship. I had the typical checklist: someone kind, funny, loyal, and attractive. It seemed simple enough, right? But time after time, I found myself in relationships that left me feeling unfulfilled, misunderstood, or just plain lost. It took a lot of soul-searching to realize that I didn’t truly know what I wanted—I only knew what I thought I was supposed to want.
Sound familiar?
Knowing what you want in a relationship isn’t just about having a list of traits or qualities. It’s about understanding yourself—your values, your needs, your boundaries. It’s about digging deep to figure out what makes you feel loved, secure, and truly happy. For me, this journey wasn’t easy. It took patience, reflection, and a lot of honesty with myself. But the reward was worth it: healthier connections, better communication, and a greater sense of self-worth.
Why Is It So Hard to Figure Out What You Want?
I think a big reason it’s so hard to know what we want is that we’re bombarded with messages about what a “perfect” relationship should look like. Movies, social media, and even well-meaning friends and family all have their ideas of love, and it’s easy to get lost in the noise. I certainly did.
I chased after relationships that looked good on paper but left me feeling empty. I settled for situations that didn’t honor my needs because I didn’t really understand what those needs were. And I stayed in relationships longer than I should have because I was more focused on not being alone than on being truly happy.
It took time to realize that "your relationship standards reflect your self-worth."
My Journey to Clarity in Relationships
Here’s how I began to figure out what I actually wanted:
1. Reflecting on My Past Relationships
I looked back on my past relationships and asked myself some hard questions:
When did I feel truly happy and loved?
When did I feel misunderstood or unimportant?
What patterns kept repeating?
It wasn’t easy to face some of those truths, but it was necessary. I realized that I often prioritized my partner’s needs over my own, leaving me feeling resentful and unfulfilled. This reflection helped me see that I needed a relationship where my emotional needs were valued just as much as my partner’s.
"Reflect on your past to create a better future in love."
2. Getting Real About My Core Values
I spent a lot of time thinking about what truly mattered to me. Not what I was supposed to care about, but what actually made me feel connected and safe. For me, those values were honesty, growth, and emotional intimacy. I needed a partner who was willing to communicate openly and work on themselves, just as I was doing.
Once I got clear on these values, I stopped wasting time on relationships that didn’t align with them. It became easier to spot compatibility beyond surface-level attraction or shared interests.
"Compatibility isn’t about perfection; it’s about shared values."
3. Understanding My Emotional Needs
This was probably the hardest part. Admitting to myself that I needed certain things—reassurance, emotional support, space to be vulnerable—felt uncomfortable. I worried about being “too needy” or “too sensitive.” But the truth is, emotional needs aren’t burdens. They’re part of being human.
I had to learn that "emotional needs aren’t burdens; they’re bridges to intimacy." Once I embraced my needs without judgment, I was able to communicate them more clearly and find partners who respected and fulfilled them.
4. Setting and Communicating My Boundaries
Learning to set boundaries was a game-changer. I used to think boundaries were about pushing people away, but I’ve realized they’re actually about protecting my peace and emotional well-being.
I started small—like setting boundaries around alone time or how I wanted to handle disagreements—and gradually got more comfortable expressing them. I learned that "boundaries aren’t walls; they’re bridges to better understanding."
The result? Healthier, more respectful relationships.
Misconceptions I Had About Knowing What I Want
I Thought It Was About Finding Someone Who Checked All the BoxesI used to have a list of “must-haves,” but I’ve learned that it’s not about finding someone who fits a mold. It’s about finding someone whose values align with mine and who makes me feel safe, loved, and understood.
I Thought My Desires Would Stay the Same ForeverI’ve changed a lot over the years, and so have my needs. I realized it’s okay to outgrow a relationship or change my mind about what I want. What matters is staying true to myself and being open to growth.
"Knowing what you want starts with knowing who you are."
I Thought Knowing What I Want Would Make Dating Easier
Honestly, it hasn’t made dating easier, but it’s definitely made it more meaningful. I’m more intentional and less willing to settle. It’s been worth the wait.
How Therapy Helped Me Find Clarity
I didn’t figure all of this out on my own. Therapy played a huge role in helping me understand my patterns, process past hurts, and build the self-awareness I needed to truly know what I wanted.
Working with a therapist gave me a safe space to explore my values, needs, and boundaries without judgment. I learned how to communicate more effectively and build healthier relationships.
If you’re struggling to figure out what you want in a relationship, I get it. It’s not easy, but it’s possible—and so worth it. At Internal Insights Therapy PLLC, we help people navigate this journey with compassion and understanding. If you’re ready to start your path to clarity, reach out at 512-798-3712 or visit our website. You don’t have to do this alone.
"Self-awareness is the key to finding a fulfilling relationship."
Final Thoughts
Knowing what you want in a relationship isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about being honest with yourself, embracing your needs without shame, and staying true to your values. It’s about choosing authenticity over perfection and growth over comfort.
If you’re on this journey, be patient with yourself. It’s okay if your desires evolve over time. Just keep checking in with yourself, learning, and growing. Because when you truly know what you want, you open the door to the love you deserve.
Are you ready to find that clarity? I believe in you.
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